Love is crazy…. It’s such a trivial emotion.
The highs. The lows. The in-betweens.
The feeling of not being able to live without it. The feeling of wishing you’d never encountered it.
I’m always in love.
But it wasn’t until I truly learned to love myself that I really encountered a love that was intricately designed for me and only me.
“Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice” ~ Kim Newsome & Kyle Hollins KC Stage Play
I’ll always choose love. No matter how many times my heart gets broken. I will always choose to love again. Because without love what are we left with?
I think the greatest gift that God gave us is the ability to love and be loved again and again.
I can admit that it literally took me 3 serious relationships to truly understand what love really is. I can admit that I, Kilo Sade, was a control freak when it came to the way I loved and wanted to be loved.
What do I mean by this? Well, I was heavily influenced by society’s idealism on relationships and love. And to be honest, society has it all wrong.
Where do we have love all wrong?
Well, we don’t allow ourselves to truly love people for who they are. On top of that, we don’t truly love ourselves ENOUGH to love someone else. Because if we truly did, we wouldn’t be so set on controlling other’s to fit into societies “norms” of what love is. By society I mean our peers. We are heavily influenced about love by our friends and family and their perceptions of it.
When in all actuality everyone loves and desires to be loved in their own unique way.
We wouldn’t feel pressured to change who we are to even maintain or keep the love of someone else.
No, if we truly loved ourselves we wouldn’t settle for a love that only temporarily filled voids that we ourselves need to fill on our own.
A wise person once told me that the true love of your life won’t complete you, they would add to who you are. And together you both will build on a foundation set on respect, compromise, honesty and pure unconditional love.
That wise person was me talking to myself in third person but that is neither here nor there.
Most importantly the two of you will love each other fiercely and lovingly in the face of all adversity.
So, while I have loved plenty of times in my life, I loved with so many conditions as we all do. We want this perfect relationship. And the perfect relationship varies from person to person. Because at the end of the day, we are all so damn different.
Of course our ideals in all honesty of love is going to differ. I don’t think any of us are wrong about our interpretations of love and how we actually want to be loved. The sooner you realize this the easier it’ll be for you to find the perfect someone for you.
How do you do this? Well, stop allowing the criticisms of other’s deter you away from following your own hearts desires. Stop allowing other’s criticisms of you and your partner that you choose and allow yourself to sort it all out.
If I had of listened to everyone in regards to the relationship with the love of my life, yes the love of my life, Darron, I would have missed out on the love of a lifetime.
We have to realize that a lot of people project on us. Their own fears and insecurities when it comes to the lack of love they don’t feel in their own lives. And you have to learn how to sort that feedback they give into a compartment that I call, “Non-essential.”
While I know they love me and only want to see what’s best for me, I have to trust and depend on myself to know what is best for me. No one else can tell me that.
Trust your intuition and follow your heart. You can’t love anyone within fear of the unknown.
There are so many countless variables stacked up against all relationships from marriages to polygamy.
My variable? The love of my life is incarcerated. And I am not ashamed to love and be in love with him. He is amazing. He is my biggest supporter in everything I do. He doesn’t hesitate to love me the way I need to be loved and I don’t hesitate to love him the way he needs.
Our connection is sound. It is pure. It’s raw. It’s real. And I can honestly say I have never felt this type of love before. And this is not to down anyone I have previously loved and that loved me. They loved me in their own way. We just weren’t meant to be.
The love Darron and I have is unconditional and quite honestly I don’t care who doesn’t understand it. And this is the first time I’ve ever been so damn fearless in love with any relationship that I’ve ever been in.
And the criticism. (laughing) I see the shade often. And I’m human, many times I want to react. But what’s the point? There is a stigma dating someone that’s incarcerated and I know it. I use to have the same sentiments.
“You’re a fool to date someone in jail. They are playing you. It’s not real. They are going to cheat as soon as they get out.”
Boy was I wrong.
My babies reputation also doesn’t help my case lol. Baby had bitches. He literally shut it all down when he met me. And I didn’t have to ask him to. He wanted to.
And ladies, doubters and all the above, I’m no saint. I’ve broken many, many hearts.
He and I are not proud of our past but we have grown and learned from it.
I teased one time to him and said you know, maybe we are each other’s karma. Because we both can wholeheartedly say that we have never loved anyone as much as we love each other.
“He cut off all water for you.” I hear it so often from other inmates that give me tabs on him while he is in the hole. He’s now, during this epidemic been in the hole going on 60 days. And while this is the safest place for him, I have literally been losing my mind in worry.
But The Most High’s love for me is infinite and I am forever grateful for the love I am shown. The timing, the synchronicity of events that led to our encounter. He and I should have known one another years ago. Ran in the same circle. Never knew.
No, the timing was now. It was divine.
Yeah, so If I had of listened to all my doubters then I would have passed up on the love of my life. I’m grateful that I was fearless and trusting myself completely to do what is right for me.
I’m often asked what if’s. What if he gets out and breaks your heart?
I look them in their eyes and let them know honestly it will hurt but I’m built for this. And I WILL LOVE AGAIN. Rather it’s him or just myself.
I will NEVER give up on love.