Thank You For Being a Friend…. But are you a good one?

My Golden Girls

God, The Most High, The Creator of all life and energy. The infinite source of love and power that flows through each of us! I just want to start off by giving thanks to Thee! I am forever blessed and grateful for the many lessons I’ve endured in my life.

The many trials and tribulations I’ve been through for they have made me into a person that appreciates everything that I hold near and dear to my heart. Like my friends. I’m so grateful to Thee for surrounding me with friends who are more like my sisters to walk through life with. I love ALL fifty-leven of you all!

Decades y’all not even the half!

This is an ode to all of y’all! My girls, My Lights, My Inspirations, My everything’s!

I could never relate to other women my age who had problems keeping or having friends. I have always, even at times when I didn’t deserve them, had my girls! From sleepovers at Jaz’s eating all of Uncle James ribs and bomb pops, cringe worthy back in the day photoshoots with Alecia that have re-emerged, The infamous weekend of May 12 through the 15th in the year of our Lord 2000 for Coleezy’s birthday all the way to walks to the KC Plaza through the 50’s with my bestfriend Puff.

Every moment, every high, every low every lesson learned my girls were right here by my side.

“It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after you get it.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

Any time I hear women complain about not keeping friends I typically ask them to look within themselves to see if it’s something on their end that could be contributing to them losing friends. Even within my card readings most solutions are internal and direct to the individual for who I am reading for.

But trust me, I know. It’s hard as hell for us to admit that we are also at fault when it comes to losing comrades, hell even lovers! No one wants to be at fault. Oh I use to despise ever being wrong. But one day having a heart to heart with my BFF Jaz she explained to me that I too, have issues and had offended her. And honestly, she was right.

It’s important that you are able to take accountability for the times in which you are wrong, be open to hearing your homegirls out when they have a grievance with you and be able to lay it all out bare to them on how you feel as well. Communication is everything and ALL parties involved should be able to speak out of love and respect with honesty and integrity towards each other.

It’s rare to see this level of compromise among women who are friends in this day and age of exposing, screenshots and I’m assuming the “Black Girl Banter” connections. From the outside looking in I believe the answer is clear on why these connections or “SUS” links never last, it’s simple. You guys were never friends to begin with.

We have to protect our energy at all cost. I’m not saying don’t be cordial with other women. It’s completely in my nature to be a down to earth person. I love everyone. Even those who may have vile reasons to be cool with me. I’ll still be courteous and warm to them no matter what. That’s just who I am. Now, will I allow them within my space? Probably not. And if I do, it’ll come with limitations. And that’s fine. Limit yourself but don’t completely cut women off and here’s why.

You want to be the reflection of the world you want to see. Be an example of what a solid and true “Sister Soulja” is. And I know girl, it’s a hard job but we have to do it. What is a Sister Soulja? She is the go to for many women. She holds a lot of women’s secrets SAFELY and without JUDGEMENT. She is a safe haven and I will never EVER betray them! And I stand on that shit. You won’t get no tea this way. We need more of them in this world. I’m grateful that I have so many in my tribe.

You also have to learn how to read people’s energy without being biased towards them initially. We all, no matter what or who, have that one friend that doesn’t like ANYONE. And for the life of us we can’t get them to trust another soul. That’s fine but you have to set boundaries with that friend to. Let them know that their self isolation will not stop you from your Pal Making Glory!

Oh how I despise the, “If my friends don’t like you I don’t like you cliques.” It’s so school age cliche and trashy. We are adults and at this point if conversations can’t be had and old issues can’t be addressed then honey it’s not just them it’s you too. Own it.

Now let’s go into Fall outs. Fall outs tell me a lot about people. I don’t even have to know you but the way you fall out with someone that you once considered a friend tells me so much about the person you are. And this will be a deep dive. Not everyone in a public fall out is wrong.

Sometimes your back is pushed up against the ropes. You have tried your hardest to not say anything at all. You haven’t downplayed the situation but you have not partaken in the madness of the other person pushing your buttons. This Heffa is relentless to get you to respond and they have no mercy and won’t let up.

Then one day you publicly snap. And you come hard as hell with the facts and then that skank runs and tries to play victim knowing damn well she pushed a gentle giant. Nah, this isn’t about you. And quite honestly, I think this is a lot of us if ever put into your shoes. You are more than likely a great friend who has given way too much of herself to a long line of similar skanks. And that is something that you too need to work on internally Beloved. (Que in my Iyanna)

No, this is for that bottom feeding no good ass victim crying button fucking pusher heffa skank! You hoes like this need to get it together. You are ruining any chance of Sisterhood that we have. And I’m sick of it. Like I tell folks if you aren’t ready for a relationship with someone don’t get in it.

This applies to friendship too!

Girl, if you aren’t ready to be a good friend to someone go isolate yourself and stop ruining solid people with your filth. Go heal within. Take accountability for your actions! Learn to love yourself and find happiness within so that you can be a testament of change. Until then keep your distance when you know damn well you aren’t ready.

Now back to the friend who’s back was pushed up against the ropes. You know the saying that hurt people, hurt people? It’s real and it’s ugly and it’s happening all around us. The signs are always there telling you not to let this person get close to you. But for whatever reason you still do. And that is a problem. Wanting to help people that have no desire to help themselves. Stop it. You’re going to run yourself thin.

You can’t help everyone. Some people require a level of deep help and medication that you can’t prescribe. So stop running yourself to the shrink trying to get someone else together. You are only responsible for yourself. You can show them love. Be a ear to vent to. But don’t allow them into YOUR head, heart and world. Definitely don’t tell them anything you don’t want the world to know.

Just know that it doesn’t make you a horrible friend for putting your own sanity first. And honestly you are still a friend by telling them the truth, they need to get themselves together on their own. If anything you are MORE of a friend telling them what they don’t want to hear.

So what makes you a good pal and a confidant?

I love the show “Golden Girls”. I literally think I am, because I am, the black Blanche Devereaux. But GG, the show “Girlfriends” and even “Sex in the City”paint a vivid picture of a variety of different women from different backgrounds that have two key components: Love and acceptance.

That’s what friendship is Unconditional love and Acceptance accompanied with honesty, integrity, understanding, trust, respect, COMPROMISE, communication and reliability. And a lot more but these core aspects are the solid foundation that a healthy friendship needs to possess.

Just this week one of my friends got an amazing raise during this epidemic and we celebrated it and are making plans to have a toast and wine session with each other to further celebrate it. Friends make time no matter what!

Friends also understand when you can’t be there every day or all the time either. I have friends that I talk to every blue moon and we pick up right where we left off. I love it. Life is grueling but I try to make sure I reach out as often as I can. Being a working Mother of four with all my side deals going on it can be tough staying connected and I tend to zone out a lot. And my friends except me.

Showing interest in what your friends do or what they go through. I have two friends who suffer from Multiple Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia. I literally have researched both to find holistic remedies or things that can help them at times when nothing else seems to cut it. Well, Jaz is her own natural Guru lol. She be schooling me. Lol But just showing that level of care and concern is what a real friend would do.

My Mom had Sickle Cell Anemia and it would often bother her when her friends wouldn’t visit her when she was in the hospital. The times she felt she needed them the most. But I had to let her know that some folks can’t take hospitals. I asked her who she talked to the most while in there. She’d say, Gail! I’m like there you have it Mama. Any connection is good. That was her girl through and through always.

A good friend motivates you to be the best version of yourself. They encourage you to keep pushing and inspire you to follow your heart. They aren’t judgmental but they also don’t hesitate to redirect you with GOOD constructive criticism. We all need it from time to time.

A lot of give and a lot of take is required with any social connection from a lover to your Boss. Having and possessing these qualities listed above can be the start to strong connections within your life.

I love my girls every last one of them. Even the ones who call themselves mad at me or distanced themselves. I still love ya’ll and I’ll always be here. The Most High has truly took his time in my life and gave me solid folks to ride it out with. Even a plethora of new beauties that I can call on and add to my squad of Sistah Soulja’s. I’m so grateful and appreciative.

It’s very important to show your appreciation to your girls at all times. Praise them just cause. Celebrate their wins, hold their heads up high through losses. That’s important to be there no matter what. I just want my friends to know that I love them, for everything they are and for every little thing they do.

Golden for forever and even after that….

*sings* And if you threw a party and invited everyone you KNEWWWW! You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!!!!!

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