So, I’ve Been Deep Shadow Diving

“If she’s amazing she won’t be easy.”

~ Bob Marley

Side note: I’m not proud about this. I’m a work in constant progress. Moving and grooving at my own damn speed.

My favorite big cousin Kam use to sing this children’s song to us as a kid that went, “I’m a nut. In a hut.” And that’s all I remember of it.

Yeah that nut in a hut is me.

Strong, stubborn, guarded, rebellious, lovable when I want to be, distant, awkward, caring, moody, kind…. I even had to ask my therapist if I was bipolar. She said no, “You’re depressed.”

Depression is a very funny thing. It’s like the annoying cousin that you hate yet understand. The one that’s always creeping in at the most inappropriate times. When you really want them far the fuck away from you.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 12 years old. Off and on throughout my adolescence. Often, self medicating myself through it because my home structure wasn’t ideal. Didn’t help that talking about depression in our community is STILL a taboo subject to broach.

I literally witnessed someone hinting towards suicide a week ago be told, “they were thinking weakly” and basically told to get their mind right. I don’t think people realize how depression operates and that hearing how you’re thinking “weakly” doesn’t help someone who is suffering from it at all.

Where one sees a cry out for help as weak I see strength. It takes a lot of guts to scream out that I am in pain and I don’t want to be here anymore.

When I was 11 years old I attempted suicide. I didn’t realize that I was crying out for help. All I knew was I no longer wanted to be here. We were poor. Literally lost everything. Living in a studio apartment with my Great Great Grandmother on Prospect overlooking Planet Hip Hop every weekend.

I was miserable. I had no friends. Shopping at thrift stores, wearing the same pair of K Swiss the entire school year. It was a really terrible time in my life.

My middle school years were fantasies that I played out. I made things appear to be what they weren’t. I made up all types of things to mask the pain that I was internally battling. I couldn’t face my reality so I made one up.

No one can remember this more vividly than my best friend Puff. Meeting her saved my life in more ways than one. She was the lifeline that I needed.

Never judged my weirdness, not even to this day. She always knew the hurt and pain I was feeling but allowed me to live within this world that I created until I was finally comfortable with the cards that I had been dealt.

You see, that’s love. Allowing folks the room they need to grow. I didn’t even realize this was happening nor do I think she even knew the type of friendship and love she gave me. It was just rooted in her to be this way.

With her I gained another Sister and Bestfriend Cola and the three of us are still rocking til this day.

Friendship is vital to our sanity. It’s necessary and I’m blessed to be surrounded by so many real women that love me unconditionally. Some old, some new, some distant. But it’s still LOVE.

Relationships:

You have to find a partner that BELIEVES in you and your vision enough to know when to get out of your way.

I know that sounds harsh, but it isn’t.

They have to understand that success won’t happen overnight. You won’t sellout or be prosperous initially. Nope that takes time. Good ol’ organic fan/consumer base building. Baby, all I need you to do is just believe in me.

You have to have a partner that sees you, sees your potential.

Pushes you on down days when you feel like giving up.

Commend you on small things that you have accomplished at all times.

Like literally I will have the weirdest idea and it may not make sense and Darron will be like, “Well do that Mama.”

And I’ll do that! At my own speed because who is Kilo without being a tad bit (ok major level) rebellious. But there I go, jumping off the cliff just doing it. Not knowing what may happen. Fearlessly.

Sometimes I land successfully, sometimes I don’t. Either way my Husband, yes Husband, is right there like, “That’s Dope Mama, I’m proud of you.”

What I’ve noticed about successful couples is that it takes a lot of compromise and a bunch of sacrifice. Most importantly the willingness to understand that it’s going to be a lot of sleepless nights.

Just ride it out with me my love.

I’ve never in my life truly had the amount of support that I needed from anyone. Parent or partner. I’m healing from those childhood wounds however.

No longer coming from a place of being pissed or blaming my Parents. Now I come from a place of understanding. Realizing that I have to let go of those past pains because YES it is affecting my relationships today.

Healing your inner child is important. It is important to let go and realize that it was never you. Realize that our Parents battled their own demons and childhood traumas. Realizing that you’re the one that will break these bad chains and set yourself free.

You got this!

Published by Kilo Sade

These things can be so trivial so I’ll give a quick synopsis: I am Love. I am Light. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I’m low. Sometimes I get high. But at the end of the day I just live true to self throughout this life. That was hella cheesy but that’s me. Asé I’m also a 34 year old Working Mother of 4 boys (pray for me), lover to D2 (swoon), Sistar, Loc’d Goddess, Crystal Healing, Card Reading, Herb brewing, poem writing, hair styling, earth loving, pet whispering REBEL. Follow me on Instagram: @heykilocares

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