I always knew and felt that I was different.
Not because my Gifted Education Teacher told me so or that I was in the 4th grade with a 10th grade comprehension level.
No, I was different because I always felt deeply. Seen things differently. Expressed myself differently.
Yet, I was constantly misunderstood. Which began my reinvention of self.
I started to mute myself way before I even began dating.
As a kid, I remember muting myself so that my parents could understand me. Muting myself to make and keep friends. Muting myself to just fit societies standard of “normal”.
I was angry at myself for years. Passive aggressive with actions done against me. Taking things and doing things to myself that I knew I was greater than. Smarter than. I hated who I had become.
I was truly at war within my core. Hiding behind strength when I was slowly dying. Hell dead. I committed spiritual suicide.
People don’t realize how these mask that we wear are truly how we deal with the trauma we allow ourselves to go through. And those mask become the representative of said trauma.
I just want folks to realize how much trauma can alter and change the course of your life. And how traumatic it is to mute yourself for acceptance.
To fit in but really not like who you have become.
It took me until now to realize how much trauma I put myself through when all I had to do was be present with myself. Present enough to know that where I was wasn’t where I wanted to be.
Present enough to say who I was wasn’t truly who I am.
On this deep dive portion I unmasked myself. And I’m looking at Nakiesha for the first time in a very long time.
Sighs…. unmasking comes with so much healing. Healing from pains done to you as well as the pains you’ve caused.
To be continued…..