I hid my pain in plain sight. I was always admired for my strength and ability not to fold under pressure. Strength was my mask. I may have been strong dealing with shit but I WAS NOT HAPPY.
Every night when the lights were turned off and I was left alone to sit with myself, I would then see the reality of my situationship. I hated where I was and who I had become. So no, that wasn’t strength. It was surrender under a passive aggressive mentality. I was in the miserable spots that I was in because I allowed myself to be. That wasn’t strength it was cowardice. I was a coward because I was too afraid to face myself and live within my truth.
I was talking to my Facebook family the other day and emphasizing my stance on why purpose should trump finding love. When we find ourselves and our purpose, I believe that everything else in our lives will begin to click into place.
Think about it, when you are happy, loving, content, filled with gratification you WILL that energy all around you intentionally and unintentionally. It just is what it is.
When you are at peace completely with your life and yourself you’re going to do everything to maintain it. There will be no time for bullshit, people’s baggage, people’s drama, people’s projections or people’s misery. You’re too busy living your life and truth.
I don’t live life unapologetically, I just live my life. My happiness, my peace, my purpose does not revolve around the approval or disapproval of others. Nor do I allow myself to cower behind sayings just to be an asshole towards others. I just am who I am.
I live. I love. I am.
Getting here wasn’t easy and I am still moving through the motions of unmasking myself and how I react to the triggers that remind me of past traumas that I have endured. What is unmasking yourself mean? It means to look deep into the things you try to hide from. The feelings and emotions that hurt and cut deep within you.
From insecurities, self doubt, withdrawal and a host of other things that I had built blockades around just to keep myself going through life. When in reality, not facing these things kept me stagnant. I had to face the darkness within me to see my light. To see my purpose.
You have to take ownership of the negative aspects of yourself just as much as the good. One of my main issues that I battle with is the feeling of never feeling like I am enough. And it stems from my childhood.
A lot of pains that we have stem from childhood traumas that we haven’t faced. I was a very odd child. I’m still odd. I always felt misunderstood. At times, I still do. I never felt wanted as a child and my heart was so big and forgiving. I wanted to be loved by so many people that I allowed passive aggressive reactions keep people around me that I probably should have cut off.
Not probably. I should have cut them off. They didn’t serve me or to be in my space. I allowed their projections to silence a lot of who I was. I sat behind them, never beside them. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t worthy enough to be next to them. So when I began to finally see my light and allowed myself to shine, they instantly began to feel some type of way.
Have you ever noticed that with any of your “friends”? You live so long behind them and then when you step out into your purpose and into your light they begin to fall off or away from you with no explanation? I always heard the saying, separation with elevation but never experienced it.
It’s very true. But the Beauty of it once you find your light, and your purpose and you’re at peace with who you are, you also learn to give those folks space and time to grow.
We all have demons that we are facing. When people distance themselves from you just evaluate it from a place of love and allow them the space that they need to grow and get through whatever it is they are facing.
Unmasking takes time. It takes patience with not only yourself but with others. Like Nipsey said, this is a marathon, not a race. You will have many pit stops. Yes, our journeys are our own, but others will help us along the way to realize things within us that we can’t see ourselves.
Then there are those toxic connections that you should just cut off. The ones with folks that refuse to be accountable for the ain’t Shìt shit that they do. That takes a level of discernment that comes with growth and a deep connection with your intuition. You just feel that these people are not right for you. Wish them well and keep it moving.
Unmasking is the ability to face yourself, flaws and all, letting go of things that doesn’t serve your highest self and coming to terms with parts of you that need to heal. Healing through these things instead of tucking them away.
From this process you will begin to hear your inner guidance system again. Your intuition. With that intuition comes discernment that you will need to rule out who is and what is for you and what is and who is not.
Trust yourself and your process. Don’t allow projections of others to weigh on you. Some criticism, constructive criticism, from your peers is ok however.
Gauge your reactions. Understand them too. If something triggers a negative reaction out of you take the time to figure out why?
It’s hard dating someone that doesn’t know their purpose. They won’t understand why you’re so passionate about things that they don’t understand. Now if they are wanting to understand. they are keepers (your discernment). But if they are constantly attempting to mute your passions and dim your light, allow your discernment to guide you and leave them on read my Brotha/SIS!
This is why it’s so important to know thyself. Not just know but trust yourself enough to know, I mean really really trust yourself to know who/what is for you.
A woman/man who loves you for you will never feel threatened or resentful of your dreams, goals and ambitions. And if they are and are constantly bickering with you about the life and work that you do, baby, do not wear yourself thin trying to get them to see you. They already see you clearly, they are just unhappy with themselves.
And as long as they are miserable with themselves and remain in the positions they are in instead of worrying towards progression, they will do whatever it takes to make you in a constant state of a living hell.
Abort mission. ABORT!
Finding yourself and loving yourself through the process is mandatory. It’s the most important thing that you can do. I know folks who have Doctorate degrees and they STILL are miserable and don’t know who they are.
I’ve had friends go to school and graduate in one field of study and hate their lives and their jobs. They then, on a wim, pick up a trade and are now happier and more financially secure than they have ever been before.
They intitiallu lived up to society and their parents standards of success instead of finding what it was that sat their souls on fire.
The one thing I ask my kids is to follow their hearts and dig deep.
What do you like to do? I don’t ask them what they want to be, I ask what is that you do that makes you feel good about yourself?
So I’m asking you ladies and gents….
What do you enjoy to do? What about it gives you gratification? Tell me in the comments. I want to know. I want YOU to know and read it back to yourself. What are you doing in your life right now, career wise? Does it make you feel just as good as what it is that you like to do? If so, why? If not, why not? What can you do to live a more happy and successful life?
Face yourself, HEAL, find what FILLS you. And thrive there gratefully.