Angry

Losing Mother Dear hurt yet at the same time, we got to say our Goodbyes. I felt robbed losing my Mama and not being there with her when she needed me the most. Losing Great Grand felt like my heart was torn from my chest. It was so sudden and unexpected. She was OK. Elderly but OK. Our family was not prepared.

I got the call at 11:45am on January 5th and I just screamed. I screamed and pounded the wall. I knew Monday that something was not right.

Over and over again as my Aunt Gladys attempted to calm ME down after she told me that HER Mother, my Great Grand passed away. She was calming me down.

I felt defeated. My Last Mohican was gone.

My 3 Mohicans from left to right: Great Grand, Mother Dear & Mama.

She was just ok. That’s all I could think. I had just seen her the past Wednesday. I had called her while I was visiting a friend to inquire about Mother Dears “Cha Cha” recipe and she sounded disgruntled and weak. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes, “Just old Arthur kicking in.” Her reference for her arthritis. I tried to take that as enough but something kept nudging at me.

After getting halfway home the better part of me told me to follow my instinct and I turned around and headed to her house. She wasn’t expecting me at all but she never turned us away. She was THE CONSTANT in our lives. Always there. Constantly and consistently. Always there. It was NEVER to late to call, see or stop by. She always answered. I haven’t had the strength to call her phone and not here her soft voice answer. I can’t pull myself to listen to any of her voicemails. I’ll save them forever.

When I got upstairs I had the urgency to stay and talk. Darron called and as usual he and Great Grand had their back and forth banter. Saying that they were praying for each other and to keep strong and rooted in faith. When I left she sent me home with a bag of candy and her usual Great Grand stash always. Veggies from her garden, I never had the courage to ever tell her no or that I didn’t need anything. I only needed her.

We talked about the worst part of this virus was not hugging each other and we did our “elbow dabs.” Lol. And her final words as usual, “I love you. Be careful if you can’t be good.”

I wish I could hold on to that last image of her along with the pain of losing her.

Pain is a tricky thing and grief is even trickier. I thought I was doing ok that first week. I launched the “Hey Kilo Cares: Hair, Skin & Within” line and I was over the top excited. Hurt I couldn’t have her see it physically come to fruition but she was excited about all the projects I had coming up. She wore my bracelet I made her daily featuring lapis lazuli. Blue was her favorite color.

I kept myself, as usual, busy when tragedy hits. When my Mom was killed I took no time off. I was like a robot. Or the energizer bunny. I kept going. I later learned in therapy that it was a distractive coping mechanism. I can’t say if it works or not. I’m assuming not. Eventually you have to face the pain.

For Mother Dear, there was just sadness but relief she was no longer in pain. For Mama, I felt robbed. We were preparing to lose her to Sickle Cell Anemia, a disease that she had since she was a child. I knew she wouldn’t live forever. Had prepared my entire life to sit next to her and holding her hand as she took her last breath.

It didn’t happen that way. She was taken from us. Those moments only whispers of a yearned for memory that could never happen. I felt robbed. I still feel robbed. I thought I had got to a point of acceptance.

The Monday before the call, I got this odd sensation that someone had died. I told Darron and my SiStar Kash. I mean I literally felt like I was grieving. I cried Monday and Tuesday and couldn’t for the life of me understand why I was feeling so down. I told them that it felt like someone had died and like a cancer patient I was happy they were no longer in pain, yet sad to see them go. It was like my Higher Self was preparing me.

I took it a step further and assumed it was me coming to acceptance of Mama finally being gone and I wrote a blog about it. Boy was I wrong or was I? I feel like it all happened for a reason and by design. Everything is by design.

Nevertheless the week after her death I was again, on autopilot, working my way through and like a broken record, I thought this was the best way to get through.

As the funeral got closer and closer my fuse got shorter and shorter. I was angry. I lashed out at drivers. I snapped on the kids. Customers, fo workers. I snapped on Darron the most. I hated myself. I was angry.

I was lashing out for absolutely no reason at all.

I guess just to feel. To feel something.

I’ve been numb for so long. I needed to feel my way through this pain and the only emotion I could feel was anger.

I cried it out. I screamed it out in the shower for forever. Darron just coaxed me through it and let me know he was there and that everything would be alright. I let it all out. I purged my emotions out. I’m talking about ugly crying baring my all in that water and saying to myself, “Subconscious and Superconscious I release this pain so that I can feel it completely and release it so that I may renewed with strength. I am free of this pain. I am cleansed for I am loved on Earth as well as in The Spiritual Realm.” I said that over and over again.

That was two days ago. And while I’m not 100% I feel lighter. I know that with time this pain will be a dull ache. It’ll never go away. I’ll just be strong enough to withstand it.

Mother Dears final words to me were, “Kie be strong.” We we’re all gifted with sight. From Mother Dear, to Mama, to Great Grand and her daughters, my Grandma and my Aunt Gladys. Now me. Our Ancestors are so strong and are with each of us daily. I feel Mother Dear, Mama and now Great Grand DAILY.

And like in life Great Grand plays by her own rules! Popping in and out my dreams and thoughts. Voice louder than any other voice I’ve heard from the spiritual realm. Loud! I feel her appreciation right now as I’m writing this.

She’s finally at peace and she knew it was ok to leave and that we all were going to be ok. Her mission here on earth fulfilled.

I was so blessed to have such a life filled with some amazing women who loved me unconditionally. In life and now in the spiritual realm I am still loved unconditionally.

Highs and lows of my past I wouldn’t change a thing.

That anger is now subsiding. I may not have all the answers and never will but I am loved and I will love. I’ll always choose love over everything.

Great Grand and her Garden Partners my oldest loves Malachi & Micah.
6 Generations Of Love. I’m forever Grateful for every High & Low. I will always love you all.
💖

Published by Kilo Sade

These things can be so trivial so I’ll give a quick synopsis: I am Love. I am Light. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I’m low. Sometimes I get high. But at the end of the day I just live true to self throughout this life. That was hella cheesy but that’s me. Asé I’m also a 34 year old Working Mother of 4 boys (pray for me), lover to D2 (swoon), Sistar, Loc’d Goddess, Crystal Healing, Card Reading, Herb brewing, poem writing, hair styling, earth loving, pet whispering REBEL. Follow me on Instagram: @heykilocares

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