There’s been a lot going on with me lately. The New Year came and with it I expected a little relief from the hellish year of 2020 that we endured.
I figured that with Old Agent Orange out of the White House, necessary change would be happening and with the Great Conjunction of December 21st occurring and giving us all this Wakanda Forever Kumbaya vibes, that 2021 was going to be MY DAMN YEAR.
And then January 5th, I lost my last Mohican. Yet, I felt that, though I would miss her that I could and would be ok!
I mean me, what else could go wrong right now? I mean I’m young still, super creative, I have a wonderful man, my children are good (Malachi could have better grades & attitude) but I faced losing Mother Dear and my Mama. I could get through this right?
Wrong. I am really trying to break through the fog and it’s harder than I thought it would be.
This isn’t a cry for help or feel sorry for me post. This is a, hey, you guys really need to be more mindful of how you treat and talk to people. You just NEVER know what they are going through mentally.
Some antagonist will say that’s on the person going through it however. “You have to let folks in and not expect them to know!”
That’s really easier said than done. Gratefully I’m strong enough to admit that though I am strong most of the time, I still have down moments.
Just last November my Great Grand had to speak life back into me during a 4 hour long anxiety attack. The next day I felt like I was hit by a train or a car. My entire body was weak and my muscles were so sore like I worked out for 15 hrs straight.
That’s what anxiety attacks do to you. They drain you mentally and physically and over exert your muscles. I felt so helpless. And I just kept going.
Every day I just keep going. I’m slipping….
I’m feeling myself slip. I’m slipping right in front of people and they don’t see it.
I see it and this is my way of saying I’m going to do more about it.
By speaking on it. By showing that yes, even I, this super strong, spiritual woman of love, light and darkness has dark mental moments and that’s ok.
It’s ok not to be ok! It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok to feel good and it’s ok to feel bad! That’s what makes us human. And I want all you perfect folks to realize that me and others like me who suffer from anxiety are not weak.
We are not crazy. We are not delusional. We are not off. And even if we were bipolar, which I’m not, but IF THE FUCK I WAS, that THAT is ok too!
Who the fuck wouldn’t be any of those things living in this less than perfect fucked up world?
I don’t strive to be perfect, every day I strive to be better. Better for myself so that I am better to my Husband, my Children, my Family, My Friends, My Neighbors, My Community and my World.
That is my goal. Not to be Perfect but to be BETTER. Realize that every day is a day that I am grateful to be present in whatever mood or moment. And knowing that I will make it.
And guess what? You will too. 💖
So I recently read an article on overthinking. Because overthinking is my main symptom of my anxiety. I know when I overthink I create this hell in my mind.
Lately I’ve been doing these exercises during meditation to differentiate what’s real and what’s me overthinking.
I basically create a list within my head on pertinent info that is relevant to me and I throw away things that I don’t need in my mind at all.
The things that cause me to overthink.
Today’s a bad day. I feel mentally drained. My water pressure is down. My capability to communicate is affected by Mercury Retrograde.
I’m easily annoyed. Just not in a good headspace.
But I will be ok. It’s just one of those days.
Here’s the article. Let me know if it works for you.