3/26/2021 Dowload

It’s not easy but through my journey I’m reopening old wounds and letting myself know that every little thing is going to be alright.

In the late Summer of 2008, I was drinking and ended up being drugged then raped by someone I thought I could trust.

I never spoke on it because I didn’t think anyone would believe me even though his family loved and adored me. Hell they still do.

I hid it because I was too afraid to know the truth and I just wanted it all to go away.

I blamed myself more for putting myself into that situation.

“I knew better.” I told myself that over and over again.

What did I know better from though? I really looked at this Man as family. I loved him as such. Tried to be there for him and speak life into him like I do to this day to everyone. This has always been in me.

It broke my heart. I just wanted it all to go away.

Worst of all I think it was more involved. I can’t prove that of course, but I know what I woke up witnessing. Someone else was there. Who? I’ll never know.

I’m writing this all to say that for 13 years I blamed myself. I felt like I knew better than to put myself in a situation I was to inebriated to get out of.

The aftermath, I distanced myself away from him, blocked his number and never talked to him personally since that day:

However, when I’d see him out about and I’d speak back and act like I didn’t know. Then immediately leave.

One time, some years later though , in the middle of Walmart, I seen him.

Surprisingly I spoke first. I Asked how he was, and congratulated him on his baby girl. He looked lost, down, and defeated. I told him things would get better. Yeah. Uplifting still.

He said, “I really messed up with you. You’re a good person.”

I said. “Yep, you really did,” and I walked off.

I cried in my car in the parking lot.

What’s wrong with me? Wishing good will on someone who took a part of me without my permission?

I guess it’s the part of me that wants to heal the world so much so that I’ll put myself in harms way to make change.

Or I understand and identify that most hurt people hurt other people.

And he was hurting a lot.

I also blamed myself deeply. I knew he liked me. I just never thought he’d take advantage of me in that way. Especially not the thought of allowing someone else to hurt me too.

Today is the first day through meditation that I went back to that night.

I wanted to forget it all. Just wanted it to go away and I prayed he or they never would tell anyone. Now I’m praying someone knows something and will tell me. I want to know the truth.

Plus, nothing ever goes away though. It resurfaces.

It resurfaced in me by me thinking taking my sexual liberty back by sleeping with who I wanted to when I wanted to would give me back the power that was taken from me that night.

However having sexcapades didn’t do anything but dull the ache as well as make me resent myself even more.

It has now been a year and 6 months since I have been sexually active with a soul.

I did this for me.

I needed to cleanse my full being. Mind, body and spirit.

A detox.

I have never in my life felt so free.

So clear mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life and now I’m able to look back over that time and see how toxic that situation was. How toxic the triggers I adapted to were.

How toxic I had even become to just mask my own inner pain.

I forgive me now.

This weekend with my friends we will release through sound all of the things that no longer serve our Higher Selves.

It’s literally a celebration.

I am free.

I’m no longer weighed down by who I was. It no longer defines me.

Whoever is reading this that relates to this, I just want you to know that it’s not your fault and you are not alone.

Speak up and speak out when you’re ready too!

It could be today, or tomorrow, or five years from now. Let it out and let it go.

You’re more than the toxicity that others may have done to you.

You’re far greater than that.

You’re not broken!

You’re not nothing.

You’re everything. You’re beautiful. You’re worthy and you’re loved.

I love you.

My joy is mine. My peace is mine. I release this hold that this incident has placed upon me for so long.

Forgive yourself and be free.

However, I pray this finds you at a place of peace.

This was a very hard one to write. I talked it over with my Husband this morning and he said whatever I was comfortable with doing he’d stand by me.

For 13 years I’ve tried to block that morning when I woke up out of my mind.

I had never felt so weak, used, and dirty in my life.

It’s taken me 13 years to forgive myself for being raped by someone I thought I could trust.

I’ve been conflicted about it for a very long time.

Through soul searching and celibacy I’ve finally connected to my Higher Self. I am closer to God that’s in me than I have ever been in my life.

It’s time to heal these last few rounds of wounds.

The final ones that have built these massive guards around my heart.

I have to so that I can help others from this same space.

So many women and men have been sexually abused or raped and have never spoken about it out of fear of persecution or ridicule.

I pray my courage sparks change and helps someone else be able to finally share their story, forgive themselves, and help them encourage others to speak up and out.

Each one, reach one, and teach one how to be free.

We aren’t going to be weighed down by the trash ass mistakes of others anymore.

That’s on them to heal from and take atonement for, not on us.

We’re going to be alright! Not from a space of spite but from a renewed place of power!

It’s power in our testimonies and we must share them and set the example that we want to see in the world.

I’m free now. Absolutely nothing false in this world binds me.

Not sex, not adoration, not validation. Absolutely nothing.

I am free. The Sun shines infinitely in my life. My heart is open and I am love. Unconditional and pure.

And I am worthy and so are you.

And I forgive myself, and him and anyone else that was there and either participated or stood by and did nothing.

My joy is mine. My peace is mine. I release this hold that this incident has placed upon me for so long.

#heykilocares

Published by Kilo Sade

These things can be so trivial so I’ll give a quick synopsis: I am Love. I am Light. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I’m low. Sometimes I get high. But at the end of the day I just live true to self throughout this life. That was hella cheesy but that’s me. Asé I’m also a 34 year old Working Mother of 4 boys (pray for me), lover to D2 (swoon), Sistar, Loc’d Goddess, Crystal Healing, Card Reading, Herb brewing, poem writing, hair styling, earth loving, pet whispering REBEL. Follow me on Instagram: @heykilocares

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