Frustrated

One of the most frustrating parts about being an Herbalist is seeing those that you love breaking themselves down.

I used to get angry but now I hold grace. We all at one point we’re so blinded in grief and misery.

People. Vilify misery often. Everyone isn’t miserable and taking it out on others. Misery just is what it is and some point in our lives we have all been at a low miserable point.

We vilify words so much people choose to rather live within the word than to acknowledge and admit what it is so that they can begin to face it.

You’ll never hear someone in my community admit that they are miserable. Even if I told them that’s how they would liberate themselves by admitting the issue. They wouldn’t do it.

They’d rather hold on to their pain and anger or sadness than to ever admit and say to themselves, “This event hurt me to my core. I am lost. I feel defeated and I am miserable and coping with it the only way I know how. But I am tired.”

I did it. In November of 2020 I admitted it to myself. Cried my eyes out in the midst of another Anxiety Attack. Called the only person I knew I could rely on to speak life back into me.

My Great Grand. I called her and I just cried and let it all out. I was tired. I was so tired of feeling all the pain of losing my Mama, and dealing with fake people, I just kept screaming over and over:

“No one could ever replace My Mama. No one will ever love me like my Mama.”

My Great Grand let me get it all out. She just sat there telling me to let it all out.

It took hours for me to calm down and she stayed on the phone with me the entire time. When my breathing became steady again, and I was exhausted and just empty, nearing numbness I’ll never forget what my Great Grand said to me.

She said, “No one will never love you like your Mama Ke. That is impossible. But you Ke, you will love yourself more than anyone else ever could baby. And God will has never stop loving you.”

I’ll never forget her saying this to me. That was my little shine of light in my darkness. It brought me just enough sense of peace in that dark moment. It was like a promise.

A challenge.

Could I truly love myself more than I already do? Followed by, how much do I love myself?

Have you ever really thought of that? How much you love yourself?

I did the remainder of that night. I looked at the love for myself at every angle. The superficial one, making sure I stayed looking nice. That I had all the amenities and things I needed to survive.

“I make sure I shower every day and brush my teeth.” Yes, I really said that to myself out loud.

I loved myself enough finally to leave a relationship that I thought I never could. I loved myself enough to not over indulge in alcohol knowing that the choice to be an alcoholic runs in my family.

I realized I love myself enough to trust my instincts.

I love myself enough to just BE.

As the thoughts continued to run through me. The admissions. The realization became a glowing power within my dark room.

The next morning I materialized stronger than before.

How can we be at our best if we are incapable of admitting to ourselves when we are wrong. When we are fucking up?

How can you grow without acknowledging the times you’re feeling low or at your lowest?

You can’t deny your way to glory! You can’t go around it. You can’t straddle the fence of being better on one side and still living in the ways of a World, that you immerse yourself in, that brings you misery.

No one just goes through bullshit without being a passenger of it. We choose to ride the life’s rollercoaster of bullshit.

Bullshit is an EXPERIENCE that you don’t have to choose to go through.

Think of bullshit as if it was at the Millennium Tour. Matter of fact, think of Bullshit as the damn Millennium Tour.

Some of y’all would have first row tickets cause y’all love being entertained by bullshit. Hell backstage passes.

And that’s no ones fault but yours. But guess what you’re not a bad person. I’m going to tell you this. You’re not a bad person. You’re just choosing to immerse yourself in bad shit. You’re just making bad choices.

You can turn it around though. Cause I see a light in you. I see the truth. I already see your glory. I see the real you. The better version of you as I also see the one before me.

Decide today to be better than the mask you wear.

Let me tell you today to PULL THAT MASK OFF and live in your authenticity.

Don’t fear who leaves and be happy that you are choosing YOU for once. Fuck the glitz and glamour of the party. You’re choosing the real you!

Sending you all so much love as you walk through your stage of acknowledgment. That stage of shadow work to me is the toughest. It’s extremely revealing beginning to see yourself in all your roles as you eliminate your inner victim.

But you will get through it. And when you come out of it all you’ll be stronger than ever.

Published by Kilo Sade

Herbalist, Creator, & Intentional Wellness Influencer. Wife, Mom, Healer, and Creator.

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