It’ll be 8 years on February 1st since you’ve been gone. 8 years and you’d think that with time this wound would heal or you know become easier to live with it and it’s not. It hurts today just as much as it did on February 2, 2014 when I got that call from my cousin.

Losing a loved one, no matter the circumstance, will never get easy. Ever. It never does. All we eventually realize is that the pain transforms us. I’ve just been rolling right through metamorphosis I suppose.

I will never be ok but I will always be alright.

Last night in the midst of a breakdown, my Husband asked me what can I do to turn this time of the year around to celebrate Mama and not mourn. I swear that was my intention for year 8 and still is. I don’t know the answer to this yet. I have to give it time to be revealed to me.

Right now I feel I have to feel through this finally. Finally embrace the pains and allow myself to mourn her. Allow myself to feel through it.

I kept a tough face on for long enough it’s ok to cry and just let it out. I’ve been holding on to the pain, the anger, the sadness, the emptiness, the rage for too long and I need to let it out.

This year I’m choosing to feel. Not feeling has kept me detached and I don’t like that feeling anymore. It’s hard for me to show any emotion because every emotion is rooted to my pain. If I show any then the floodgates crash because it’s all going to come rolling out.

We are stronger while being vulnerable.

I’m no longer holding back my emotions. That’s how I make it better this year. Next year, I guess I want to take the kids on a weekend getaway for the anniversary and make nee memories.