I’ve been really down these last few days as things are beginning to shift again in my life. Trying to find my pace again unsure of which direction I am wanting to go.
I recently began digging deeper into enneagrams and so far I’ve been marked as a 4 wing 3 and when I say it’s so eerie how accurate the reading of me is. I’m mind blown.
My childhood trauma that has trickled through all of my life and has affected me so heavily in all of my interpersonal relationships is abandonment. Abandonment issues have placed me in very compromising situations to where I have dealt with people I should have left the hell alone for so long.
Abandonment gave birth to my need to people please and stay cool with so called friends and family that I should have loved from a distance.
I never wanted to lose people because I felt my importance was rooted with how many people loved me and needed to be near me. Boy was I wrong.
My importance comes from within. I am important to me. I am important because I am. It had to take me losing everyone that I loved and cared for to realize this.
It hurt for a very long time once these historical bonds broke and through the separations I’ve grown so much that it’s wild to see how much I tolerated that I shouldn’t have.
I altered who I was so much just to find comfort in acceptance. Now that I look back I have so much pity for not only myself but even those I was around because all the connections were traumatic bonding. We all were hurting and connected through our pains, our insecurities, and our own drama in our minds.
And instead of facing it and the truth and the ugliness we all had within we projected that pain on to others.
So, I understand now why folks think I am fake or that I am not who I portray myself to be because I’m capable of seeing the ugly truths of who I once was and they are still rooted in the same space that I’ve released and let go. So, no you wouldn’t believe me because your mind and heart is closed to it because you’re still stuck in a place I once was. But you and only you have the scissors to cut the cords.
I don’t believe that people are fake, phony, or evil. I believe people are hurt, lost, and misguided and instead of looking within they continue to look outside themselves for temporary relief.
I apply grace to those facts because I once was there so I understand.
I haven’t got to a space where I am able to be cordial or cool with folks though and it’s something that I am actively trying to get through. It’s hard knowing that people misunderstand you and have created these false ideals about you, constant shading on post, and I’m just not that forgiving though I love them.
Things however, will never be the same. I believe this is rooted in me witnessing all the times my Mom would give people the benefit of the doubt and she’d get crossed, beat on, and ridiculed.
Was my Mom perfect? No. Did she have a mouth that got her in these situations often? Yes. However, these same people did the same things around her and with her so was she truly at fault for feeling like she could confide her truths to them without persecution even though they too did the same?
This the main issue that I have with “my people”. Glass houses constantly throwing stones. People will mark you as fake for doing the same things that they do or have done. There is no grace. There is no love for anyone having a mind of their own.
I see it often. The shade. People are so shady and they glorify it. Until that shade is directed at them then it’s a problem. Then you’re fake for having an opinion. Then you need to mind your business all the while your business is constantly in the courtroom of public opinion.
My business was everyone’s business when I left my ex November of 2019. Then I got with my new fiancee December 1, 2019 and everyone’s heads turned like the chick off of the “Exorcist“. I heard all the rumors, speculation, and criticism that my own family and my ex’s family were throwing around. It didn’t phase me and not once did I ever speak on it or disrespect a soul. I loved everyone then and I still do.
I heard it all and it never changed my heart or feelings about them because of a thing called, “benefit of the doubt”. Plus, I know what’s best for my life. Even had my so called friends/family hitting one of my close spiritual advisors up to inquire on rather my new lifestyle was real and if my relationship was real.
I get it though. It’s easier to be ignorant towards anything that you fear or don’t understand. Some folks were like, “you’re going to put your life on hold for someone in jail?” “It’s jail talk….” (that wasn’t directly said to me but brought back to me.)
I had to ask myself so just cause he’s not out and it’s jail talk and I can’t throw my box on him at this given time, you’d rather me waste more time with someone you deem a “square” that’s selling me pipe dreams? What about my own dreams? What about I ain’t trying to have sex with anyone I just want to build a solid connection.
Furthermore waiting on and building with a man for him to get out and do anything remotely “shaky” would be on him, not me. I’m solid regardless and I wouldn’t be anyones fool. I’m still going to be solid and loyal no matter what.
Sex doesn’t move nor motivate me. That’s the agreements that you all have with yourselves. Don’t equate your agreements with mine. They are not the same.
Here’s the thing about me, I don’t care about the “talk”, the ridicule of my personal life wasn’t the deciding factor of me distancing myself from everyone. It was more so the subliminal disrespect and folks not just coming directly to me with any issues that they had. There is no coming back from that.
I require the same respect that I give from all relationships. If I can be direct everyone should be.
I am not a subliminal person if I have a problem I’m going to say something. Which you’d think would get respect but even that doesn’t. Even that gets critiqued and criticized when the person you are direct with doesn’t agree as if we aren’t all entitled to our own thoughts, feelings, and minds.
Granted, I am respectful of anyone not agreeing with me. I actually prefer my friends to have minds and feelings of their own. What I don’t tolerate is disrespect. And for that reason some situations will never be the same either.
In all though the difference between me and all of them is that I still wish you all love and success while you guys still find ways to sneak diss and attempt to block connections coming my way. Not all of you but some of you.
But that’s not on me that’s on you. I wish you all well. I wish you all love. And I wish you all peace.
So lately I’ve been on a hiatus, per usual. Trying to figure out which direction these feet should be moving. I’ll figure it out.