Triggers hit out of no where. One moment you are feeling on top of the World and then BAM something hits you and you’re back folded into a fetal position unsure what is real or not.
Well that is me currently. In a not so tucked fetal position just exhausted and ready to see some changes take place in my life, my heart, and my mind.
I’m tired of self medicating myself through overworking myself. I’m ready to just live and relax. I don’t really think I’ve truly stepped back and just allowed myself to BE in the moment. I’m always mentally moving forward even before I make steps so that really gives no room or space to just pause and just be at all.
So when I am faced with the reality of something that has traumatically happened to me and there’s a pause that’s currently presented by the Universe I fall heavily into it. I hope I’m making sense.
Let me just say it. Reliving the night that I was drugged and raped the other day has really fucked me up. Every since then I’ve had to admit to myself like damn Kiesha after all the shadow work you have done. All the advice you have given. All the love that you still possess inside of you. Girl you are STILL not OK. And that shit hurts to realize. That even after the therapy there are still things that weaken me.
I can’t sit here and lie to myself anymore. I need help. I need help getting through this more so now than ever before because I want to be ok. I don’t want this to lurk up again and have me feeling so much despair.
I don’t think people realize the impact rape has on anyone. It’s probably a good thing I don’t remember what happened but it’s the flashes of memory that come to. I know something bad happened. I know that there were multiple people involved. I know it. And it’s so fucked up that these people know and they are just living their lives like nothing happened. That reality in itself makes me soooo angry.
I trusted them. I trusted him to get me to his cousins house not to take advantage of my weaken state. And for so long I blamed myself when in all reality I was only naive to trust someone so evil and disgusting.
One thing that has finally sparked in me in regards to what happened is the fire. I am angry finally angry about it and my anger is finally directed where it needs to be. Now I’m left with what do I do? I want to confront and find out the truth. Just what really can be done? I didn’t get a rape kit at all. I just left, went home and cried in the shower for God knows how long. I was SICK. SICK. Really lost my mind for years until God pulled me out of a fog.
I’m sorry I’m just rambling and not really advising what happened I am?
In the Fall of 2008 I was drugged and raped by someone that I thought I knew and could trust. I believe there were multiple involved in the rape but I really don’t know because I was drugged and knocked out. All I remember is when I came to the next morning around 10 or 11am I was naked, he was on top of me and still fucking me, on a mattress on a floor. The room was filthy and there were condom wrappers EVERYWHERE. Empty condom wrappers all over the floor and no condoms to be seen.
I remember I heard something behind me and Leaned my head back. The door to the room we were in was wide open and I saw the door across the hall closing. Someone else was also inside the bathroom because that door had slammed shut. I remember he got up out of and off of me and closed the door to the room we were in.
I just saying over and over again, “No.” and he was like, “This is what you wanted you told me to bring you here.” I was like, “No” I told you to take me to your cousins house. And he didn’t. He took advantage of me in my vulnerable state. I got my clothes on and I got the hell out of there and I never talked to him again. Nor did I ever go around much after that.
I remember seeing him at Walmart in 2012 and he was actually excited to see me. Around that time I was still unsure how to process what had happened. When I saw him though I tried to go the opposite direction but he followed and stopped me. He then said, “I fucked up didn’t I.” And all I could say was, “Yes you did.”
When I initially told the story to my Ex Husband he was the one that told me that I did nothing wrong and that I was more than likely gang rapped and didn’t know or remember. He was livid about it and wanted to do something about it. But I didn’t know what could be done. It was years later, there was no police report, no rape kit done, nothing happened. Like at all. I just tried to bury it.
But you can’t bury anything like that at all. That’s why It’s 2022, I’ve deleted my Facebook page, I feel myself going back into hermit mode, and I’ve been crying off and on again and just sleeping because I’m NOT OK.
Just keep me lifted. Like I’m not going to do anything to myself at all, I’m not suicidal. If anything I’m just ready to get back into therapy and really work through some of this untouched trauma that I’ve pressed into the back of my mind you know.
I love you all.
Yes, I will still be creating. That will never stop.