Quick Note….

I just want to say, Thank You!

I don’t sell or speak on anything I’m not familiar with, won’t use or I’m not well versed in.

Every day I’m reading and investing in my Gifts.

I’m ALWAYS re-educating myself on EVERYTHING I’m versed in.

Grateful for my minds expansion!

Grateful for the Universe for aligning me with so many amazing people along this journey!

I am nothing without Community.

I really don’t like that I’m not able to be there all the time for those that I love. Especially when I’m on grid mode.

I had a deadline for today. I didn’t get it completed completely, but I did all that I could do and I’m grateful.

What I’m realizing is I have to just always do my best. And that’s what I strive to do.

I’ll always pay it forward where and if I can’t give time I still give through appreciation by gifting or monetary donation.

But being present, to me, is always more beneficial and personable. I take it hard when I can’t be there for those that I love physically.

Charge it to the head but not my heart.

I love and appreciate everyone so much! So so much. You’re a part of my reasons why I’m grinding so hard to make B Estelle, Hey Kilo and now Hey Kilo Cares successful!

Thanks so much everyone for all your love and support, it doesn’t go unnoticed.

With love and light,

Kilo Sade

Tips on Getting Through Depression During Covid19

2020 in a Nutshell. But we gon’ b alright!

Depression is a real pain in my ass. Like how do so many of us deal with it? I’m over it. I want it to go away. And the moment I think it is gone something triggers me back to the glooms.

It’s a never ending battle that I am sick of. I never feel like I am enough. Always feeling like I am not doing enough. Or that I am unworthy of love or success. I’m utterly tired.

Being in the midst of it and going through this pandemic, the ups and downs have been so sporadic and all over the place. I really miss my Husband. I Haven’t kissed or held him since January and the ramifications of that is really hurting, deeply.

I feel so alone and helpless and I know he feels the same and it’s nothing either of us can do about it.

Working Full Time, Being a Mom, Being an budding entrepreneur, being a creative, being a WOMAN, being a TEACHER now to FOUR children, look…. I’z tiad Boss. This has been a mentally and physically draining year.

Must be nice….. lol

I refuse to give up. There is a way! And this is how I’ve been getting through.

Meditation, Therapy and Massage Therapy. Add it to your routine, no need to thank me later.

You know, I don’t like talking about my battles with Depression but I figured now is the perfect time because I know that I’m not alone. I feel like the more we start having these honest conversations on our attempts at maintaining being “ok” but not really “ok”, the more other’s will feel comfortable sharing their own stories of defeating this “Silent Killer”.

I started “Morning Mantra’s”, a daily 30 minute guided mediation live on my Instagram page, not only for my followers to follow along with but, to also keep myself accountable on meditating daily.

IG Handle

https://instagram.com/hey_kilo?r=nametag

Meditation literally saved my life.

Just waking up earlier than everyone else and having that time to myself to just, “BE PRESENT” with myself is refreshing. Everything is still and you have no other choice but to look within, journal and set the schedule or checklist for that day in solitude.

In addition to meditation I make sure that I am as vocal as possible about my feelings to not only my Husband, Friends and Family but also my Therapist.

YES THERAPIST! Can we NORMALIZE THERAPY for crying out loud. I swear it’s the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Being able to speak freely to someone without being looked at like I am Hannibal Lector. Or hear unwanted advice I didn’t ask for nor need.

Just to spill it out, BE HEARD, and given homework to reflect on so that I can gain a deeper level of understanding into myself that I may not have realized before. Need a local therapist suggestion, I see Dr. Tamela Ross, owner of The Healing Corner KC. (I’ll past Links at the bottom of the page.) She is phenomenal and has become more of a Mother/Sister to me since I’ve been seeing her. I will not cry writing this post. She has saved my life more than once. I am forever indebted.

And I mean, don’t we want to know deeper aspects of ourselves and our minds?

Which brings me to reading. Like they saying goes of, “You are what you eat.” Please apply that to the content that you indulge in. “You are what you read and seed.” Content is EVERYTHING. There is so much negative propaganda on Television and on Social Media. Sometimes social detoxing is AMAZING for our Mental Health Diet. (Yes you FEED YOUR MIND)

Make sure you are feeding it beneficial and uplifting SUBSTANCE more so now than EVER before ya’ll. I’ve been a reading “Your Invisible Power” by Genevieve Behrend and “The Mastery of Self” by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.. Two great reads that I think everyone should check out.

Another great go to is “The Four Agreements” by Ruiz as well. That book literally changed my life. I listen to the Audiobook at least once a month just to stay grounded and rooted throughout the month.

Content is everything. Reading is not only fundamental as they say but life altering, especially during high situations of anxiety and depression.

Self Care is a MUST right now. Precisely why I created my “Hey Kilo Cares” line so that we can get back into a consistent level of CARING FOR OURSELVES. We deserve that love and peace within more so now than ever before.

Line Launching 11/30/20

Take a nice long soothing bath. Light that candle/incense and set that ambiance, bask and scrub on your favorite scrubs and get that skin all silky smooth, rub on some shea butter and nourish that body right along with that mind and spirit. Smell good for YOU! Twist your hair, do your nails. Love on you so much more this Winter ya’ll. Indulge in some healthy tea to calm your spirits.

The “Hey Kilo Cares Kit” will be available for purchase 11/30/20.

Me time is MANDATORY! Don’t let anyone guilt you away from investing in time to yourself. You deserve that love!

A whole mood.

Massage Therapy is the best kept secret and my last tip for battling against depression. We don’t realize how much stress we store in the crevices of our bodies until we lay on that table and feel ourselves being popped like bubble wrap. I swear to GOD it is the best feeling in the world.

I’m not even going to lie at times it’s damn near orgasmic. Yes, I said it. Orgasmic. My neck and shoulders are always so wound up, as soon as my Mo’ pushes all you hear is Rice Krispy Treats homeboys, Snap, Crackle & Pop greet her!

Ya’ll screw jumping out a plane on your bucket list, get a damn massage! Ok best feeling in the world. And you have to get the stones. The STONES ARE EVERYTHING and just absorb all that negativity out of your spine. I’m getting warm all over it. Need a great Masssage Therapist please bless your little lives and see Monique Waters LMT owner of Massage Amani & Spa convieniently located at 7313 W 79th St, Overland Park, KS 66204. Let her know Kilo Sade sent ya!

No, I don’t get promo discounts or anything, it’s all love and all real. THEY ARE JUST THAT BOMB.

ANYTIME YOU CAN GET OUTSIDE AND GET SOME SUNLIGHT! STAY HYDRATED! Water yourselves! We are flowers too!

Soaking up Sun & Fun

Last but not least love not only on you but on those around you. Times are trying and minds are on overdrive and I am even guilty of constantly overthinking. So, be easy on you and those that you love. I’ve been finding myself apologizing so often because of my attitude. And realizing a large part of it is the Winter, the Pandemic and the Holidays which are rougher this year with the isolation.

Be easy with yourself and your Husbands/Wives, Children and Friends. Be extra understanding and with them and yourselves.

I’m sending an abundance of Love & Light to you all and I’m wishing nothing but happiness and prosperity to you all. WE GOT THIS! We gon’ be alright!

Chile if you Don’t Just Heal….

Have you faced you yet?

I hid my pain in plain sight. I was always admired for my strength and ability not to fold under pressure. Strength was my mask. I may have been strong dealing with shit but I WAS NOT HAPPY.

Every night when the lights were turned off and I was left alone to sit with myself, I would then see the reality of my situationship. I hated where I was and who I had become. So no, that wasn’t strength. It was surrender under a passive aggressive mentality. I was in the miserable spots that I was in because I allowed myself to be. That wasn’t strength it was cowardice. I was a coward because I was too afraid to face myself and live within my truth.

Who are you when the mask comes off at night?

I was talking to my Facebook family the other day and emphasizing my stance on why purpose should trump finding love. When we find ourselves and our purpose, I believe that everything else in our lives will begin to click into place.

Think about it, when you are happy, loving, content, filled with gratification you WILL that energy all around you intentionally and unintentionally. It just is what it is.

When you are at peace completely with your life and yourself you’re going to do everything to maintain it. There will be no time for bullshit, people’s baggage, people’s drama, people’s projections or people’s misery. You’re too busy living your life and truth.

I don’t live life unapologetically, I just live my life. My happiness, my peace, my purpose does not revolve around the approval or disapproval of others. Nor do I allow myself to cower behind sayings just to be an asshole towards others. I just am who I am.

I live. I love. I am.

Getting here wasn’t easy and I am still moving through the motions of unmasking myself and how I react to the triggers that remind me of past traumas that I have endured. What is unmasking yourself mean? It means to look deep into the things you try to hide from. The feelings and emotions that hurt and cut deep within you.

From insecurities, self doubt, withdrawal and a host of other things that I had built blockades around just to keep myself going through life. When in reality, not facing these things kept me stagnant. I had to face the darkness within me to see my light. To see my purpose.

You have to take ownership of the negative aspects of yourself just as much as the good. One of my main issues that I battle with is the feeling of never feeling like I am enough. And it stems from my childhood.

A lot of pains that we have stem from childhood traumas that we haven’t faced. I was a very odd child. I’m still odd. I always felt misunderstood. At times, I still do. I never felt wanted as a child and my heart was so big and forgiving. I wanted to be loved by so many people that I allowed passive aggressive reactions keep people around me that I probably should have cut off.

Not probably. I should have cut them off. They didn’t serve me or to be in my space. I allowed their projections to silence a lot of who I was. I sat behind them, never beside them. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t worthy enough to be next to them. So when I began to finally see my light and allowed myself to shine, they instantly began to feel some type of way.

Have you ever noticed that with any of your “friends”? You live so long behind them and then when you step out into your purpose and into your light they begin to fall off or away from you with no explanation? I always heard the saying, separation with elevation but never experienced it.

It’s very true. But the Beauty of it once you find your light, and your purpose and you’re at peace with who you are, you also learn to give those folks space and time to grow.

We all have demons that we are facing. When people distance themselves from you just evaluate it from a place of love and allow them the space that they need to grow and get through whatever it is they are facing.

Unmasking takes time. It takes patience with not only yourself but with others. Like Nipsey said, this is a marathon, not a race. You will have many pit stops. Yes, our journeys are our own, but others will help us along the way to realize things within us that we can’t see ourselves.

Then there are those toxic connections that you should just cut off. The ones with folks that refuse to be accountable for the ain’t Shìt shit that they do. That takes a level of discernment that comes with growth and a deep connection with your intuition. You just feel that these people are not right for you. Wish them well and keep it moving.

Unmasking is the ability to face yourself, flaws and all, letting go of things that doesn’t serve your highest self and coming to terms with parts of you that need to heal. Healing through these things instead of tucking them away.

From this process you will begin to hear your inner guidance system again. Your intuition. With that intuition comes discernment that you will need to rule out who is and what is for you and what is and who is not.

Trust yourself and your process. Don’t allow projections of others to weigh on you. Some criticism, constructive criticism, from your peers is ok however.

Gauge your reactions. Understand them too. If something triggers a negative reaction out of you take the time to figure out why?

It’s hard dating someone that doesn’t know their purpose. They won’t understand why you’re so passionate about things that they don’t understand. Now if they are wanting to understand. they are keepers (your discernment). But if they are constantly attempting to mute your passions and dim your light, allow your discernment to guide you and leave them on read my Brotha/SIS!

This is why it’s so important to know thyself. Not just know but trust yourself enough to know, I mean really really trust yourself to know who/what is for you.

A woman/man who loves you for you will never feel threatened or resentful of your dreams, goals and ambitions. And if they are and are constantly bickering with you about the life and work that you do, baby, do not wear yourself thin trying to get them to see you. They already see you clearly, they are just unhappy with themselves.

And as long as they are miserable with themselves and remain in the positions they are in instead of worrying towards progression, they will do whatever it takes to make you in a constant state of a living hell.

Abort mission. ABORT!

Finding yourself and loving yourself through the process is mandatory. It’s the most important thing that you can do. I know folks who have Doctorate degrees and they STILL are miserable and don’t know who they are.

I’ve had friends go to school and graduate in one field of study and hate their lives and their jobs. They then, on a wim, pick up a trade and are now happier and more financially secure than they have ever been before.

They intitiallu lived up to society and their parents standards of success instead of finding what it was that sat their souls on fire.

The one thing I ask my kids is to follow their hearts and dig deep.

What do you like to do? I don’t ask them what they want to be, I ask what is that you do that makes you feel good about yourself?

So I’m asking you ladies and gents….

What do you enjoy to do? What about it gives you gratification? Tell me in the comments. I want to know. I want YOU to know and read it back to yourself. What are you doing in your life right now, career wise? Does it make you feel just as good as what it is that you like to do? If so, why? If not, why not? What can you do to live a more happy and successful life?

Face yourself, HEAL, find what FILLS you. And thrive there gratefully.

Deep Dive: Take 2

Baby, if only you knew…..

I always knew and felt that I was different.

Not because my Gifted Education Teacher told me so or that I was in the 4th grade with a 10th grade comprehension level.

No, I was different because I always felt deeply. Seen things differently. Expressed myself differently.

Yet, I was constantly misunderstood. Which began my reinvention of self.

I started to mute myself way before I even began dating.

That your light was beautiful….

As a kid, I remember muting myself so that my parents could understand me. Muting myself to make and keep friends. Muting myself to just fit societies standard of “normal”.

I was angry at myself for years. Passive aggressive with actions done against me. Taking things and doing things to myself that I knew I was greater than. Smarter than. I hated who I had become.

I was truly at war within my core. Hiding behind strength when I was slowly dying. Hell dead. I committed spiritual suicide.

People don’t realize how these mask that we wear are truly how we deal with the trauma we allow ourselves to go through. And those mask become the representative of said trauma.

And needed….

I just want folks to realize how much trauma can alter and change the course of your life. And how traumatic it is to mute yourself for acceptance.

To fit in but really not like who you have become.

It took me until now to realize how much trauma I put myself through when all I had to do was be present with myself. Present enough to know that where I was wasn’t where I wanted to be.

Present enough to say who I was wasn’t truly who I am.

Never dim it again.

On this deep dive portion I unmasked myself. And I’m looking at Nakiesha for the first time in a very long time.

Sighs…. unmasking comes with so much healing. Healing from pains done to you as well as the pains you’ve caused.

To be continued…..

So, I’ve Been Deep Shadow Diving

“If she’s amazing she won’t be easy.”

~ Bob Marley

Side note: I’m not proud about this. I’m a work in constant progress. Moving and grooving at my own damn speed.

My favorite big cousin Kam use to sing this children’s song to us as a kid that went, “I’m a nut. In a hut.” And that’s all I remember of it.

Yeah that nut in a hut is me.

Strong, stubborn, guarded, rebellious, lovable when I want to be, distant, awkward, caring, moody, kind…. I even had to ask my therapist if I was bipolar. She said no, “You’re depressed.”

Depression is a very funny thing. It’s like the annoying cousin that you hate yet understand. The one that’s always creeping in at the most inappropriate times. When you really want them far the fuck away from you.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 12 years old. Off and on throughout my adolescence. Often, self medicating myself through it because my home structure wasn’t ideal. Didn’t help that talking about depression in our community is STILL a taboo subject to broach.

I literally witnessed someone hinting towards suicide a week ago be told, “they were thinking weakly” and basically told to get their mind right. I don’t think people realize how depression operates and that hearing how you’re thinking “weakly” doesn’t help someone who is suffering from it at all.

Where one sees a cry out for help as weak I see strength. It takes a lot of guts to scream out that I am in pain and I don’t want to be here anymore.

When I was 11 years old I attempted suicide. I didn’t realize that I was crying out for help. All I knew was I no longer wanted to be here. We were poor. Literally lost everything. Living in a studio apartment with my Great Great Grandmother on Prospect overlooking Planet Hip Hop every weekend.

I was miserable. I had no friends. Shopping at thrift stores, wearing the same pair of K Swiss the entire school year. It was a really terrible time in my life.

My middle school years were fantasies that I played out. I made things appear to be what they weren’t. I made up all types of things to mask the pain that I was internally battling. I couldn’t face my reality so I made one up.

No one can remember this more vividly than my best friend Puff. Meeting her saved my life in more ways than one. She was the lifeline that I needed.

Never judged my weirdness, not even to this day. She always knew the hurt and pain I was feeling but allowed me to live within this world that I created until I was finally comfortable with the cards that I had been dealt.

You see, that’s love. Allowing folks the room they need to grow. I didn’t even realize this was happening nor do I think she even knew the type of friendship and love she gave me. It was just rooted in her to be this way.

With her I gained another Sister and Bestfriend Cola and the three of us are still rocking til this day.

Friendship is vital to our sanity. It’s necessary and I’m blessed to be surrounded by so many real women that love me unconditionally. Some old, some new, some distant. But it’s still LOVE.

Relationships:

You have to find a partner that BELIEVES in you and your vision enough to know when to get out of your way.

I know that sounds harsh, but it isn’t.

They have to understand that success won’t happen overnight. You won’t sellout or be prosperous initially. Nope that takes time. Good ol’ organic fan/consumer base building. Baby, all I need you to do is just believe in me.

You have to have a partner that sees you, sees your potential.

Pushes you on down days when you feel like giving up.

Commend you on small things that you have accomplished at all times.

Like literally I will have the weirdest idea and it may not make sense and Darron will be like, “Well do that Mama.”

And I’ll do that! At my own speed because who is Kilo without being a tad bit (ok major level) rebellious. But there I go, jumping off the cliff just doing it. Not knowing what may happen. Fearlessly.

Sometimes I land successfully, sometimes I don’t. Either way my Husband, yes Husband, is right there like, “That’s Dope Mama, I’m proud of you.”

What I’ve noticed about successful couples is that it takes a lot of compromise and a bunch of sacrifice. Most importantly the willingness to understand that it’s going to be a lot of sleepless nights.

Just ride it out with me my love.

I’ve never in my life truly had the amount of support that I needed from anyone. Parent or partner. I’m healing from those childhood wounds however.

No longer coming from a place of being pissed or blaming my Parents. Now I come from a place of understanding. Realizing that I have to let go of those past pains because YES it is affecting my relationships today.

Healing your inner child is important. It is important to let go and realize that it was never you. Realize that our Parents battled their own demons and childhood traumas. Realizing that you’re the one that will break these bad chains and set yourself free.

You got this!

Sighs….

Religion and Lack of An identifiable Culture has truly twisted our minds and confused so many of us.

I understand however and that’s why it’s vital for all of us to go on our own unique journeys and find our own space and place within whatever ideology that fits who we are.

There is no right or wrong journey, it’s just your journey. Find where you fit and build and grow there.

What we can not, what we can not, WHAT WE CAN NOT AFFORD is folks that are lost or confused trying to educate, guide or lead others. We can not afford that.

It is ok to admit when you are not ready to lead. This doesn’t say you won’t at some point in your journey be ready. You just aren’t right now.

Knowing and admitting this this can prevent you from confusing others and prevent you from having a setback on your own journey. Setback as in questioning yourself and what you have learned once confronted. Take your time and grow!

I’m a Spiritual Advisor. I like to call myself a realist in spirituality. Realizing that on our journeys of self discovery we all need space to heal and grow.

What you will never see me do is use my platform to fit into a one track agenda or scheme. I only speak love and light into us all because during these dark times we all need it.

This place is for healing. This space is for growth. This space is filled with love and respect that supports our healing process and growth.

Anyone using spiritual warfare to push an agenda is ill advised. Anyone mixing and matching things to fit an agenda is I’ll advised. Anyone that can’t answer your questions in a space of love and are quick to dismiss you in hostility is I’ll advised.

Any ego in spirituality is a dead end. We can’t afford EGO in the work that we do. EGO is unnecessary and should be left at the front door when you are assisting people who need you to be empathetic, open and understanding.

The greatest thing I’ve learned is how much I will never know. This keeps me open to so much growth and understanding. I’m always open to learn from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I learn from folks that I assist in healing. I see aspects of myself within them so that it’s easier for me to identify with what it is they need to get where they need to get.

My approach is different but it is effective. And it works.

After every reading I perform, all I see is folks THRIVING and living within their truth! And that means everything to me.

Morning Affirmations

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I am capable of creating a life of abundant blessings.

I am loved.

I am capable of giving unconditional love.

I am capable of receiving it.

I am complete.

I will do great things in my lifetime.

I am important.

I am inspiring.

I am present in every moment.

I breathe life into anything I touch and create.

I believe in myself.

My dreams are coming to fruition.

My goals are being crushed every day.

I am exactly where I need to be.

Asé

I’m Tired

This morning I found out someone I considered family, my oldest Sons Cousin. His Fathers first Cousin, was murdered by the hands of a Black Man.

I’m tired.

Every time a Black Woman is murdered by a Black Man my soul withers in agony. I ball. I’m back 6 years ago experiencing a loss that’ll never completely heal from. And I’m back writing my therapist letting her know I need to be seen.

It’s a trigger. And I’m not alone.

I don’t care about Rich People’s problems.

End of the day Tori Lanez was wrong. End of discussion. No point of going back and forth about it.

I won’t.

What I’m speaking on is the cycle of Black women being murdered by our men.

Being Beat on.

I can’t think of one time in my life where I haven’t seen domestic violence in or around my home.

Can you?

Yeah, I know it happens in every race. But I’m talking about my folks.

We say we need to protect our women….

But even PAC said, “I wonder why we take from our women? Why we rape our women? Do we hate our women?”

Malcolm X was wrong too I suppose?

It’s hard being black in America.

Black America screams out to be heard and we always fall on deaf ears. It’s proven time and time again with each indictment being tossed at our Men. Shackles. I don’t want to see my boys in shackles.

We find ourselves in comment sections going up against bigots voicing our struggles. Screaming out to be heard and we never are.

It’s hard being a black man in America with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I can’t even begin to imagine what you go through.

I just try to do my part to raise my sons up to feel and be present in the moment. Feel through it all. Stand up tall. Stand up for themselves. Be a leader. Never follow. Be respectful. Be appreciative. Work hard to play hard.

I put a heavy emphasis on feeling. It’s crucial that they learn to feel and understand what it is they are feeling.

So many of our men are hardened. With due reason. I can’t begin to walk a mile in y’all shoes and I don’t even try. When men talk to me or come to get a reading from me I listen and try to understand without having a rebuttal.

Sometimes people just want someone to listen without a solution. Listen without a disagreement. Listen without wanting to go up against something being said.

We all struggle with listening. I know that I do.

And I say that to say Men, Black Women have an experience that you are failing to listen to. You are failing to hear our cries just as much as we are failing to hear yours.

And all I’m asking is for us all to listen.

We want others to listen to us as a whole but we can’t even listen to each other without getting down right nasty when we don’t agree with what’s being said.

Like I can’t tell a black man about his experience, sir, you can’t tell me about mine either. Because in some aspects they are one in the same but in other instances honey, it’s a different walk in the same field. And I just want you to hear me.

Be present with me in my moment of vulnerability and listen to understand not to fix. NOT YET. Can’t fix what you are failing to hear.

I don’t even care who goes first anymore. Brotha if you got to vent go ahead and vent. I won’t say a word. But when you’re finished I need you to hear me out.

We all suffer from some deep forms of trauma from childhood and we carry them into our adult lives. And we mask it. We mask it but it seeps through.

We all need to heal.

Spirituality to Me…

Being Spiritual isn’t just being able to know Planet Placements, Astrology, Reading Cards, or all that.

It’s more of getting down to the heart of who you are. Your deepest darkest places that you hide from not only the world but yourself and no longer avoiding that part of you.

Knowing how to let certain habits or patterns go that no longer serve you.

Facing your toxicity.

Healing your inner childhood traumas.

Taking accountability for EVERYTHING you do.

Nothing is anyone’s fault.

Taking control of your own life.

Embracing your past, healing from it all, letting go of resentment, leaving behind regrets and failures and learning from them.

Understanding that it’s a process.

Being patient through it all.

GIVING YOURSELF AND OTHERS AROUND YOU ROOM TO GROW.

Taking absolutely NOTHING PERSONAL.

Loving.

Healing.

BEING.

BEING PRESENT.

BEING STILL.

BEING YOU.

Realizing that you’re not for everyone and being fine with that from a space of love and not contempt.

When I learned to just be…… and just breathe and exhale.

Some of us go through life just holding our breaths as if we are underwater.

Afraid to breathe fearing we will suck in H2O and drown.

We’d rather suffocate than breathe out of fear. That fear cripples us.

Being Spiritual is realizing our fears and relying on faith of self to BREATHE and know that everything is ok because it is.

Saying that, “I AM OK”, without one ounce of doubt.

Are you ok?