I had to take a hiatus….

I had to sit still and just breath.

So much going on so much surrounding me.

Almost could have made this post into a poem but I really need to release my feelings and if it rhymes at certain points, just charge it to my creativity.

The world has truly turned everyone’s, literally everyone’s, lives upside down. I don’t even think we are keeping up with the days anymore. I bet everyone will never take time for granted again. Hell, I myself am no longer taking life for granted.

If this quarantine and COVID-19 epidemic has taught me one thing it is that you must seize every damn moment and make every moment meaningful. Make every move you make count for something.

My Mother Dear use to always emphasize that we are on, “borrowed time.” It never made more sense to me than now.

I know folks truly have to face themselves every day since isolation. A lot of soul searching in the minds and hearts of many. I just hope folks are soul searching within instead of the typical blame parties we tend to put on when we don’t want to see how our own ways contribute to why we aren’t thriving, happy or successful.

This should truly be a period of inner self reflection. I’ve been meditating a lot more lately and reading chapters of various books. Having act out sessions with my sons in between their lessons. Reading my cards. Working out. And most importantly, writing the love of my life who is currently in the hole in a federal prison in Arkansas.

Just the thought of him being there in the midst of this pandemic and there’s nothing I can do to hear him consistently daily…. no words could ever describe how painful it is. Tear stings but I remain strong for him. He’d have it no other way.

Every time I’m seeing the mailman go across my lawn I’m running to the mailbox to check to see if there is a new letter. He’s probably never written so much in his life, ha! But he’s written 10 four to five page letters filled with love, strength and determination to get home to US. Our why’s. Our life. Our future.

That keeps me grounded.

Being an em-path and knowing that there are so many people that are suffering more from this epidemic and just day to day life in comparison to my life keeps me humbled and grateful. It could be so much more severe than it is. And I don’t take my blessings lightly. I make sure that I am giving back rather monetarily or spiritually.

My children are healthy, My Man is of sound mind, body and spirit and I am alive and still able to provide for my family. That is all I need. And the rest of my family is good and following the precautions set for us. That’s all I need and I’m so thankful to The Most High in this moment and forevermore.

Ase!

Pep Talks & Apologies

I’m never too good to admit that yes, I too at times fuck up. It’s a part of life and I am human. Where a lot of us differ however, is that I am quick to take accountability for my actions and wrong doings so…..

Pep Talks & Apologies….

I recently had a pep talk with myself on checking folks who aren’t, in my opinion, living up to their full potential.

I basically told myself, “Kilo, you have no room to worry about what everyone else is doing when you are only half way tapping into your OWN power.”

Yes, I am FINALLY over coming years of self doubt. I’m just now truly stepping into my own path. How can I critique or criticize anyone that’s still on their own journey? Girl have several seats!

I sort of wanted to square up with myself but I had to ask myself, why is it so easy for me or ALL of us to pick and pull other folks apart!?

That answer was simple. It’s easy.

At the end of the day, it’s easier to pick other people apart. It’s easier for us to tell other folks that they are ducking up or that they need to chill out and stay on their path. Yet it’s so hard to tell ourselves that we too, be FUCKING UP and HALF ASS’ING SHIT and need to focus on ourselves.

I deleted my page for a few days to have a come to terms with my own shit session and I’m back and better as ever.

And trust me it’s fine to fuck up but be honest with yourselves when you realize that you are you know, tripping. Take time to yourself, isolate yourself, smoke, do yoga DO SOMETHING and chill. Take accountability for your own actions and reactions when it comes to your dealings with people. You’re only in control of yourself.

Now, let’s take some time within this Ted Talk to the discuss the “Age of ASSuming shit.”

People run around ASSuming every damn thing and refuse to get clarity or understanding about things.

We ASSume folks have a problem with us. We ASSume that the weather is going to be amazing because the sun is shining and then we wear shorts outside to be slapped by Jack Frost on a sunny FREEZING Cold day.

We ASSume putting together a book shelf would be simple because by looking at the box, it didn’t look like that many pieces. And I mean black folks never read the instruction manuals. Or is that just me?😊

We ASSume our hair stylist is going to have openings just for us during a busy ass holiday season. We ASSume our cars are going to make it when the gas handle is an inch below ‘E’ because we know our damn cars!

Why the hell are we always ASSuming shit!? It baffles me dawg! Don’t any of you want to know the damn answer? We are so lazy when it comes to looking for and retaining information and we literally have a world of knowledge within our fingertips!

We don’t fact check shit! I’m convinced people just read headlines and share the post just because! Articles be centuries old, celebrities that’s alive and well are dead every three months….

My God. I know Peter Jennings is rolling around in his grave just baffled at the stupidity going on in the world today.

All I’m saying is let’s ALL stop ASSuming shit and ASK questions. But first….

Let’s stop and look at how ASSuming wastes so much time and energy.

My Mother Dear use to always tell me that ASSuming anything only makes an ASS out of you. See what I’ve been doing there? We as humans are already super over imaginative and we live in worlds that we ourselves create in our OWN heads.

Yes, everyone is walking around literally in their own damn world battling their own intergalactic mental battles, warring between the Heaven and the Hell’s that we OURSELVES create. So, most of the issues that we have with people are guess what, OUR OWN issues. I’ve known and have myself created conflicts based off my own issues with folks who probably didn’t even know I existed yet alone knew that I had an issue with them.

And why is that? Because it’s EASIER TO PICK AND PULL OTHER PEOPLE APART THEN IT IS TO PICK AND PULL OURSELVES APART.

We are too afraid to face the real person that looks back at us in the mirror from within. That’s why we project so much on to other people without truly taking a step back and figuring out our own shit first. I’ve done this so many countless times and it’s extremely EXHAUSTING dodging who I truly am. 

But it can be done. Just stop ASSuming shit. Ask someone if they have an issue. Check the weather. Read the damn instruction manual KILO!

I tell myself and my sons often that the change that we seek in the world begins from within. You must be the example of the world that you want to see. None of us can expect change if we don’t change ourselves first. 

Furthermore, as we all know, you can’t change anyone that’s not ready to seek change for themselves. So, a lot of these battles we place ourselves in have already been lost. 

Let me say that a little bit louder, A LOT OF THESE BATTLES THAT WE PLACE OURSELVES IN ARE BATTLES THAT HAVE ALREADY BEEN LOST!

So, when you don’t have the power over someone and you are only in control of your own destiny why criticize, critique, ridicule, offend, clown, roast, troll anyone about their OWN journey?

Doesn’t make sense to me either.

So, for anyone that I’ve recently offended or ridiculed or mocked or shamed for being who they are, I’m sorry. It’s not up to me to tell you where you are wrong when I have my own things that I need to deal with or overcome.

At the end of the day we are who we are or portray ourselves to be. And that’s fine! Until we ourselves individually are tired of playing that role that’s just who we are going to be. I come to you with my deepest apologies for I am wrong and love you all just the way you are.

It’s not up to me to make you be who it is I see you as. I should support you on your journey and only give input that’s asked of me in a way that’s tactful and leaves you in peace.

It’s not easy for anyone to transition. I know this well. It’s a very long hard and never-ending process.

I say all that to say be good to people and yourselves. You never know where someone is on their journey. Always be of light and love and leave a positive impression with folks. It takes a lot to earn someone’s love and trust back.

Shit I myself have learned the hard way.

Ase’

Strength is Versatile

What does strength really look like to you?

I guess to answer that we would need to break down the definition of strength.

Strength is defined as one of the following (these three stuck out to me, if you want the full definition go to Merriam Webster lol):

1. the quality or state of being physically strong.

2. the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure.

3. the emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult.

So, when someone advised me that staying in a dead-end situation with a man would require great strength. To quote it was, “Only a strong woman can tolerate a man like him.” Excuse me, come again? So, I’m weak for being sick and tired of dealing with a man who is obviously not strong enough to do right by me? This and many other examples brought me here questioning if people truly knew what strength was?

It’s crazy to me that anyone would be so absurd as to tell another woman that their strength is measured by what they allow themselves to go through. I couldn’t shake the frustration that we as black women are so accustomed to putting ourselves or staying in situations that cause us such pain that this pain is now revered to showing how strong we are dealing with shit we shouldn’t be dealing with!

I asked myself, “How could my strength be measured by allowing someone to put me through things I shouldn’t be going through?” Wouldn’t it show more strength by choosing self-love over a love that obviously doesn’t love nor respect me? 

I battled with this for a very long time. 

You see, strength is versatile so I don’t want to take away from anyone that’s choosing to stay within whatever situation they are choosing to be within. That’s not why I’m here to bash or break down another woman who is choosing to stay. No, not at all. 

What I’m saying is, we need to stop measuring strength when it comes to someone else’s personal situation. 

Choosing to stay takes a great level of strength just like choosing to leave. Neither of us are better than the other, nor stronger for that matter. It’s not a competition or it shouldn’t be. If anything, we need to be more uplifting to women going through whatever they are going through and be a listening ear not a mouth that’s so eager to condemn, ridicule on the under (sneak diss), or pacify the opposing party. 

Just listen and give love through those moments. Sometimes that’s all a woman needs to know is that she is being heard by someone who understands, that’s not going to make excuses like, “that’s just how men are.” That’s not going to tell you in so many words that you sound weak for wanting a better love for yourself. 

I say all that to say ladies we are already strong and have withstood the test of time against all adversities that have been held up against us. Don’t allow anyone no matter what you are going through tell you that you are weak. You are not weak no matter what you are going through. 

Say this daily mantra:

I am of love

I am of light

I am strong even in my darkest hour

I am protected

I am at peace with whatever decision I make and no one will ever be able to take the power that I have within away from me

My current situation does not define me nor will it break me

I will always make a way out of no way

Ase! 

Love & Light 

Kilo Sade

Kids: noun: Definition: Creatures designed to test your Gangsta

“Don’t let their charming and sweet handsome faces fool you. They are minions reincarnated sent to give me back the hell I gave my parents.”

My World! 💕✨ left to right Jaden 5, Malachi 13, Josiah 3 and Micah 11

First of all I want to say I love being a Mom. There’s no greater feeling than watching my baby boys grow up and seeing all their characters emerge and their curiosities blossom. That is until Joey is drawing on my walls. Yes I’m team Boy Mom! Begin your prayers NEOW!

I swore that I had dodged the bullet having four boys. Growing up I was the oldest of 8, (5 Sisters and 3 Brothers) and I spent my adolescence threatening my Sisters to stay out of my clothes, shoes, makeup…. MY DAMN ROOM!!!!

So, when I found out I was with child the very first time 14 years ago I made a deal with The Most High:

“PLEASE, I’ll be the BEST MOTHER EVER IN THE WORLD BUT NO STINKING GIRLS!!!!! The Creator most definitely delivered…..

Continue reading “Kids: noun: Definition: Creatures designed to test your Gangsta”

Hey Y’all!

A long time coming…..

“Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy its walls.” ~ Maya Angelou

My passions are often misunderstood. I am often misunderstood.

Writing has always been my escape. It’s always been the best way for me to vocalize and make sense of my feelings. I have always had a way with words.

So here I am. A 34 year old soon to be divorcée, Mother of 4 boys, Lover of one amazing Man, Sister and friend. I have experienced heartache in many ways and for some reason I have the ability to still be a seeker of love, light and hope.

I believe in love still despite all of my shortcomings with it. I believe love is the answer to all of our questions. Love is the cure to all of our pains.

Yet and still I am human. I still fall back into old habits and writing has always been my remedy to soothe and make sense of the fog my mind tends to create.

This is my journey and my transition in words. If you are here that means you’re interested in hearing me out and for that I am thankful!